Thus, It Begins
by rwolf19
Summary: As Lily and James return for their final year at Hogwarts, Lily notices something odd. James is acting like a real person, rather than an idiot content with making anarchy. And she can't help but like him- it. Like it. The difference. Not him, because why would she like him? Slow burn(ish), Jily angst, Jily fluff, Jily in general
1. Chapter 1 - The Train

"What is that?" James held his hand up, perfectly catching Sirius's face and pushing him back so he could actually read the letter he was holding. He'd been confused by the weight of the letter, considering he already had his Quidditch Captain badge. He didn't think he would be getting a new one. His eyes flicked across the elegant scrawl as fast as they could, and he deflected Sirius again. "James!"

He looked in the envelope at the badge, his mouth falling open slightly. Remus being a prefect made sense. But this, this was . . . He was a decent Quidditch Captain, but this . . .

"I'm Head Boy," he whispered, fishing out the badge. Sirius finally tore the letter out of his shaking hand. He stared at the gleaming Hogwarts crest, thumbing over those two words. It didn't make any sense at all. Yes, they'd had to give up a little of their pranking as tensions rose between Death Eater cronies and those who would stand against that sort of Pureblooded bigotry. They were still Marauders though, he was still a Marauder. Just as Remus was.

"Nice," Sirius beamed, offering his fist. James mirrored his sly smirk.

"We're going to get away with so much shit."

.o0O0o.

Lily changed into her robes before making her way to the first carriage, eyeing nervous first years and glaring at any upperclassmen who dared to attempt to intimidate the little ones. She swatted Sirius in the back of the head as she passed. Remus offered her a bright smile, Peter that smirk that made her immediately stop and ask, "Where is Potter?"

"Not sure. Shall I tell him you're looking for him?" Sirius asked, rubbing the back of his head irately. Lily gave him a flat look. She could smell one of Sirius's lies about James anytime. Not that she cared that much about James, but things had been . . . better for the past year. He hadn't annoyed her. He hadn't been particularly endearing either though.

"That won't be necessary. I swear to Merlin, Sirius, if this train doesn't make it to Hogsmeade-"

"Remus will go with you to look for him," the long haired boy grinned fiendishly, shoving his friend at her. Remus looked back to scowl at him for a moment.

"We have to go to the front of the train, Sirius," Lily rolled her eyes. Sirius grinned wider still. "If James is there-"

"Why on earth would James be in the front of the train when he could be back here with us?" Peter asked innocently. Lily did not appreciate the way Sirius snickered at his remark.

"He did get on the train, didn't he?" Lily demanded. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to do with herself if he wasn't causing trouble for her to stop.

"Come on, Lily, it'll be fine," Remus said, in a tone that made her suspect that it would, in fact, not be fine by any stretch of the imagination. She pinned Sirius with another glare before following Remus through the crowded train to the first carriage.

"How was your summer, Remus?" Lily asked softly. He had a new scar on the side of his neck. She wished he would let someone at least try to heal them.

Remus shrugged, eyes locked on the end of the train, "As good as it could be."

Lily touched his shoulder gently and smiled at him, "That's all we can hope for sometimes."

"Yours?" Remus asked. Her hand slipped off as he dodged around a fourth year. Lily gave the young girl a wink and she skittered back into her compartment, gaping.

Lily smiled tersely and pressed herself against the walls to squeeze past the food trolley and its caretaker. "My, uh, my dad . . ."

"Marlene told me," Remus said softly. Lily nodded and tried to focus on what was happening now. Her eyes burned and she swiped at them hurriedly.

"All right, Evans?"

She hadn't paid much attention to James Potter in the last year. Her friends constantly giggled over him and his friends, but she had better things to focus on.

His glasses made his face more symmetrical, but he would've been just fine without them. They were just a gentle reminder that he was actually intelligent. He'd gotten bigger over the summer, in a way that made Lily's eyes linger on his crossed arms. His hair was so incredibly messy, more than usual, and it didn't detract from anything. His jawline was criminally hard; she couldn't believe how well and truly adult he looked, despite being seventeen like she was.

Worst of all, he wasn't smirking at her, and he actually looked concerned.

Lily Evans was in deep shit the moment those hazel eyes met hers.

"Evans?" His brows furrowed. Lily blinked and dropped her hand to her side.

"I'm fine," she lied quickly. "What are you doing here, Potter?"

James pointed to the badge on his chest. Lily frowned at it. It didn't look like his Quidditch Captain badge. In fact, it was the twin to the badge on her own robes. She glanced at Remus.

"I didn't steal Moony's badge. It's mine," James said, with enough lingering confusion that it must've been the case. Lily smiled, even though her insides were twisting.

"We might make a respectable human being out of you yet, Potter," Lily said. She moved past the Marauders into the carriage with the rest of the prefects.

"Don't count on it, Evans," he answered.

While she gave out assignments to the prefects, James lingered just behind her and to her right. She noted Severus glaring at him, but James didn't seem to care. She nearly asked him what was wrong, but she didn't want to ruin it either. Once the prefects were out patrolling, she turned to face him. He spoke before she could.

"It's not fair if they all have to do things and we just get to stand here."

Lily's mouth opened and shut twice. Maybe he wasn't such a terrible choice for Head Boy. "I was going to show you the ropes, since you were never a prefect."

"Show me what ropes, Evans?" James looked around the carriage suspiciously. Lily couldn't help the small laugh that left her.

"No, Potter, it's a Muggle expression. It means show you how to do things the right way so you know what to do on your own," she shook her head. She grinned triumphantly when he turned a delicate shade of red. She placed a hand on her hip, "You know, I didn't think that you could be embarrassed, Potter."

"Embarrassed? Oh, Evans," he stepped closer to her. He was taller than her, by quite a bit. That annoying smirk of his that should have made her see red made her blood roar differently. "You have no idea the meaning of the word."

"Too bad I have no one to show me," Lily put a hand on his chest. She was surprised by the lithe strength there, but not enough to keep her from shoving him back. Merlin, what was _wrong_ with her? She cleared her throat and leveled a glare at him. "If you see anyone doing what you think is a decent joke, they're probably breaking school rules-"

"Evans, I know the school rules better than you do," James said cockily. There it was, that arrogance that made her want to hit him. If he could keep it up until the school year was over, she wouldn't have any issues. "How else am I supposed to finesse my way out of detention?"

"By not getting in trouble in the first place," Lily suggested blithely.

"Why should I show someone respect when they wouldn't do the same to you?"

"Because then you're no better than them," Lily shot back. James let out a humorless laugh before the traces of joy left his face entirely.

"I said _you_, not _me_. I don't discriminate by blood purity, thank you very much," James said angrily.

"You still think you're better than everyone else," Lily pointed out, crossing her arms over her chest. James didn't smirk like she expected him to. Instead, his hand ruffled his own hair, which would've annoyed her endlessly had he not been looking so sheepish that it must've been a nervous habit.

"I know I can be arrogant, Evans. We all can. But I'm trying to work on it," he said quietly. "I didn't realize just how much I was shoving everyone else down to boost myself up."

"Who are you, and what have you done with James Potter?" Lily demanded lowly. He laughed, meeting her eyes.

"Can you just show me these mysterious ropes?"

She rolled her eyes at him, "They aren't real ropes."


	2. Chapter 2 - Day One

James had completely forgotten that there was a separate dormitory for the Head Girl and Boy until he was standing at the portrait with Lily Evans. He barely noticed the password she spoke. She had to pull on the front of his robes to drag him out of the way of the opening portrait. She pulled him inside too, his long legs nearly tripping over themselves.

There was a common area reminiscent of Gryfindor Tower's, circular and lined with bookshelves. A roaring fireplace was already lit opposite the door. Two stone staircases rose from the floor to another level, where three polished doors gleamed. James gaped at it all, including the twin small desks facing one another near the fire. There were plenty of couches and arm chairs.

"I don't want to see Sirius in this room unless I'm given the full details on what you'll be doing or planning," Lily said. "And close your mouth."

James complied briefly, turning to take in the room better. There weren't many portraits inside. It was the perfect place for a snog. His eyes drifted to Lily, the gentle peaceful expression on her face as she took in the room too. "I won't bring anyone here if you don't want me to."

"Not even girls?" She raised an eyebrow. He wondered how she knew exactly what he hadn't said. Sirius would've loved it. This was probably exactly what he had in mind when they'd reveled in all the shit they could get away with, now that he was Head Boy.

"I only have eyes for one woman," James said honestly, watching her perfect face. Her eyes narrowed, which was standard, but a faint blush crept into her cheeks, which was new and exhilarating. He'd noticed her glancing at him sidelong several times now. He was well aware of the muscle he had added over the summer. James was starting to suspect that Lily was too.

"I have ground rules," Lily blurted, tearing her gaze away from him and digging into her school bag. James smiled and wandered around the room as she did, trailing his hands over the books in the walls. They wouldn't even need to go to the library to study.

James flopped down onto one of the couches, letting his head fall back and his eyes close. Something tapped the bridge of his glasses and he opened one eye. Lily was holding out a thick roll of parchment to him. He took it and gestured to the cushion next to him, "Have a seat, Evans. I have a feeling I'm not going to blindly agree to all of this."

.o0O0o.

"How was the row?" Marlene asked, buttering the pancake on her plate. Lily groaned dramatically and pushed at her temples with her fingers.

"He thinks he should be allowed to leave the room and come back at any point in time that he wants."

"Why can't he?"

"Because there's a curfew! Unless he's on official duty, he shouldn't leave the room at night," Lily said. They had argued for a good hour about her _perfectly reasonable_ ground rules. Every rule followed school rules and the rules of basic human decency. She didn't understand why he was being so stubborn.

"Girl, I looked at your rules," Marlene patted her arm gently, "And it's like you want to put a tracker spell on that boy. He's not yours. And if he was, you should trust him."

"What- Marlene, no, that's not- I just want to know where he is in case there's an emergency and I need him for something, I wrote those before I knew _he_ was the Head Boy," Lily rushed. Marlene laughed and took a sip of her pumpkin juice. She cast a glance down the table before hissing, "I do not like Potter. Not in any fashion."

"We're all well aware," Marlene patted her arm again and returned her attention to her food. "How did the schedule swap go?"

Lily gritted her teeth, "We have all the same classes."

Marlene gaped at her, "No."

"I dropped Ancient Runes and he dropped Muggle Studies this year-"

"_Lily_," Marlene scowled, "Please, do not tell me that you're going to waste sharing every damn class with a perfectly beautiful-"

"Morning, Lena," Sirius dropped onto the bench in front of her, Remus sitting across from Lily. She cast a glance toward the doors, looking for the other half of their little group. She didn't see James or Peter. "Lily, you've gotta back off my mate."

"I don't have to do anything," Lily said, meeting his dark gaze coolly.

"What he meant," Remus elbowed Sirius in the side, "Was that you can't expect James to completely change his lifestyle overnight."

"Maybe if his lifestyle wasn't completely based in breaking the rules-"

"Oh, come on Lily, we all know you aren't that much of a goody-two-shoes," Marlene smirked at her. Lily scowled back, feeling herself go red to her ears.

"Actually, Lena, we don't _all_ know," Sirius grinned fiendishly. Lily motioned for Marlene to shut up, and luckily, her friend acquiesced.

"Inside joke," Marlene winked at the scoundrel, and Lily noted Remus's hand shake as he poured himself some orange juice. She sighed. Sirius's gaze quickly followed hers.

They still refused to tell her what ailed Remus. She had her suspicions regardless. It was some sort of recurring condition, coupled with depression. There was only one thing she could think of that fit. She could try to help, as much as any friend could, regardless of knowing the full truth. As much as she hated it, if Remus didn't think it was her business, she wouldn't push.

It didn't hurt that since that summer, she had been able to comprehend more than ever what Remus might've been feeling in regards to the latter symptom.

"Evans?" Sirius waved his hand in front of her face. Lily glanced at him, the worry now facing her from the other side of the table.

She had forty-five minutes before her first class, and she didn't want to spend it with anyone but herself. "I'll see you guys later."

"Lily," Remus frowned as she stood up.

"I'm fine," she lied easily. She knew enough of the secret passageways to be able to completely disappear for a good half hour. She slumped against the wall in the middle of one of them and stared at the stone opposite.

She wasn't fine. She didn't know that she ever would be. It had been over a month since her father had suffered an unexpected heart attack, and hadn't recovered. Her mother was taking it harder than she was. She had to be. After all, she'd known her father better and longer. But her mother had started laughing again, every day and brightly. Lily just felt tired all the time, even as she bent over backward to make sure everyone else was happy. She could slip into nothing, where thoughts didn't come and tears didn't come and her eyes didn't move to do more than blink. She didn't want to talk to anyone, not about It or anything else, didn't want the touches or the hugs. She'd break down. And Lily Evans did not break.

She wondered how long he had been sitting across from her, jolting, her hand immediately drifting toward her wand. Then she recognized him. The thought of talking to him, arguing, was exhausting.

"We have ten minutes until Herbology," James Potter stood and offered her a hand. A wad of blank parchment stuck out of his front pocket. Lily slowly tore her gaze to his hand. She took it and he easily pulled her to her feet. She swayed slightly, and in that moment of dizziness, James grabbed her school bag, lifting it like it was nothing, and slung it over his shoulder. Lily crossed her arms over her chest and didn't argue. She didn't care enough to.

James didn't either. They walked in silence down to the greenhouses. Despite Remus and Marlene and a few of James's devoted fangirls all sharing the class with them, James stood silently and resolutely by Lily's side when they were asked to pair up. She found herself staring to the point of being caught more than once. He didn't wink, just offered a slightly pained smile and a nod.

"I wouldn't've made it to class on my own," Lily murmured quietly, burying a pod oozing something sickly sweet onto her hand. She pushed around the dirt with her already dirty hand idly as James buried a sour smelling pod beside the first. She would've been late, to the first class on the first day back. McGonagall would've had her head.

"Remus gets like this sometimes," James answered. Lily clenched her jaw and didn't comment. His glasses slid down the bridge of his nose. She pushed them back up with her clean hand. James smiled at her, genuine and _dorky_. She never thought he'd let himself look so . . . Lily couldn't help but stare. "Try not to let the bad days overshadow the rest."

"What does a good day feel like?" Lily muttered darkly under her breath. James pulled his hands out of the soil. She ignored his frown and very clearly cast the incantation they'd been told to. The soil froze through, a layer of frost gleaming on top.

"Having enough energy to argue with me about something completely pointless," James elbowed her gently. She didn't have it in her to fully scowl. He was baiting her and she knew it, but she still couldn't help herself.

"I'm not going to let you ignore the rules. If you get caught it sets a bad example for the entire school," Lily said flatly. James eyes flickered with something she didn't care to name. He leaned closer to her.

"Then I won't get caught," he smirked. Lily opened her mouth to counter, but he said, "After all, who's going to rat me out?"

Lily's mouth shut fast enough she heard her teeth clack. He knew exactly what he was doing. He would easily be able to lie to any prefect or teacher, saying that he was on rounds. She was the only other one who knew the schedule. And if she told on him, it would make her look like an idiot who had it out for her partner and his authority would be diminished, right alongside hers.

"You complete and total asshole," she seethed. "You're abusing your power."

"Listen, Evans, it's not like I'm going to have much free time between studying and managing you-"

"_Managing me?!_" Lily repeated shrilly, jabbing a finger into his broad chest. His face was set in a challenge and she wanted to smack him so damn much. "_I'm_ the one stuck trying to keep you out of detention-"

"And I appreciate that from the bottom of my heart," James grabbed her wrist gently and pushed her hand away from him. He was warm, and his hand had callouses from Quidditch. Lily wrenched her hand out of his before he could distract her any more. His eyes were positively sparkling now, behind his glasses. She wanted to- to- she wasn't sure what, but it made her hands tremble.

Professor Sprout started calling out instructions again. Lily hastily looked away from James, shaking her dirty hand at him, flicking dirt and ooze onto him. He gaped at her and dragged a filthy finger down the side of her face. Lily gasped and smacked his hand away.

"Evans, Potter, enough flirting! Pay attention!"

Lily did not look to him other than to glare the rest of the class.


	3. Chapter 3 - Lily Gardenia Evans

"Remus told me about Herbology," Sirius elbowed James hard enough that he winced. He shrugged and stuffed more roast beef into his mouth. "She's warming to you."

"She wants to set my hair on fire," James said after swallowing thickly. "Doesn't count."

"She didn't hex you at least."

"I think she wants to do it the Muggle way," James said. He looked up as owls flooded the room. His heart sank. An evening edition of the _Daily Prophet_. That meant nothing good. A letter from his own parents dropped into his lap before Sirius got his subscription.

_We are both well._

Hasty, but enough. James let out a sigh of relief as Sirius unfurled the paper, and he realized why his parents had sent the letter.

They were on the front page.

"James?" Sirius's voice wavered. He slung his arm across his brother's shoulders.

"They're okay," James assured him, holding out the small slip of a letter. He said it again because it didn't quite feel real.

The house—their house—had been attacked. Repairs had been swift, but his parents were shaken. Two Death Eaters were in St. Mungo's, and his parents were at home. The Ministry was now in talks to provide more rigid security around the home.

They did their homework together in the library, all four of them, quiet enough that Madam Livre did not come by even once to silence them. James fidgeted with his snitch when he was done, waiting on Peter and Remus, the latter of which kept spacing out. For the first day back, there was a surprising amount of work to be done.

"I'm going back to my room," James said. Usually, he would've wandered around the grounds to be alone, but now he had his own space; he wanted to try his common room. He fished out the Map and handed it to Remus. He murmured a correction to Peter and pulled his school bag over his shoulder. He clapped Sirius's shoulder and meandered out.

He didn't know how tired he was until he'd kicked off his shoes and fell asleep, sprawled out on the largest couch in the Heads's dormitory.

When he woke up, Lily was curled up in an armchair facing him, reading a textbook and scribbling notes into the margins. His glasses were folded on the coffee table nearby, though he didn't recall taking them off. He made a wild grab for their vague shape, clearing his throat as he did. Lily looked up as he crammed his glasses on his face.

"Are you all right?" She asked gently. The paper was on the table too, neatly folded but face down. James nodded, sitting up against the arm of the couch. Lily continued reading, scratching out a note. She blew on the ink and closed her book carefully. "There's Floo powder if you want to talk to them."

"I don't know," James rubbed the back of his neck.

"What was the last thing you said to them?" Lily asked.

"I told them good-bye at King's Cross," James flushed under her intense gaze, "Said 'I love you' and all."

Lily nodded, looking away from him, her legs curling closer to her chest. James sat up, twisting and putting his feet on the coffee table to annoy her. She didn't notice.

"Why your parents?" she asked. James frowned. "I mean, they're Purebloods."

"They're lobbying the Ministry to extend the protections they're giving to everyday Muggles," James explained, tapping his feet against one another. Lily watched them, her lips tightening.

"What do they care?" Lily demanded.

"I told them you- well, I told them that your family was barely even aware of the war. They can be a little out of touch," James said sheepishly.

"And what business do you have talking about me or my family?" Lily asked coldly. James opened his mouth and closed it again. She was right. "I didn't mean it like that-"

"No, it's my fault, I shouldn't have talked about you without your permission," James said hastily. She reached out to kick his calf.

"If it's going to help people, I don't think I mind so much," Lily snorted quietly.

"What's funny?" James smiled. She was beautiful when she laughed. This wasn't that, but it was damn close. She looked _comfortable_, with _him_. James couldn't help but stare, especially when she noticed and her face flushed.

"You've never bent over backwards for me," Lily said. Her blush deepened with his widening smile, "I mean- to apologize to me. Or anyone, really."

"I'd bend all sorts of ways for you," James grinned. She kicked him again, standing up abruptly.

"Feet off the table, you filthy animal."

.o0O0o.

"And that's the schedule for this week," Lily said, passing out each personalized version. She and James both had a master copy. If ever they couldn't sleep, they'd leave a note on the common room door saying they'd gone out to check if people were doing what they were supposed to. James went out more than Lily, though she didn't sleep much more than him, and she knew he wasn't exactly doing what he was supposed to every time.

They hadn't fought thrice in the past week, and Lily found herself less irritated in his presence. James saluted her and ducked out after the rest of the prefects, off to Quidditch practice. Lily collected the sheet of notes he'd been mostly doodling on and tidied the borrowed classroom as best she could. She found herself looking closer at his doodles, biting her lip.

He'd written her name in his messy scrawl, and a few of her quips from the evening that had made him smile were artistically rendered beside some of the other, more routine information. He'd made a scoreboard, and she'd been awarded seven points, 'everyone else' just three. He'd drawn two pairs of eyes, almond shaped and crinkled happily.

Her feet took her back to Gryffindor tower before she truly looked up from the paper. She shoved it in her bag carefully and gave the Fat Lady the password. She slipped inside.

"Lily!" Marlene crushed her into a hug, leaving Lily physically crushed and a little confused, considering she'd seen her friend just a few hours before. "Please tell me you're here to tell them off."

Lily looked around Marlene at Remus and Peter, who waved guiltily. Sirius stood halfway up the wall, frozen to avoid drawing her attention. Lily drew her wand, well aware of the small crowd. "Sirius Orion Black, I swear to Merlin, if you do not get down this instant, I will drag you down myself."

"Well, hullo Mum, I didn't see you come in," Sirius grinned shamelessly at her. Lily flicked her wand, letting him drop. Remus casted a quick Cushioning Charm under his breath, and Sirius bounced to his feet. Marlene moved aside as the dark haired man marched toward her. "Really, Evans, don't you have anything better to do?"

"I could ask you the same thing, Black," Lily scowled.

"I don't appreciate the way you're trying to steal James from me, Evans," Sirius said. Peter gasped behind him, muttering something to Remus. Lily ignored them both, narrowing her eyes at Sirius as color filled her face.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," she said coolly. Sirius smirked at her. It wasn't nearly as infuriating as James's. Lily only wanted to strangle him.

"Oh, come on," Sirius lowered his voice, well aware of their lingering audience. "Prefect meetings for an hour before Quidditch practice?"

"He's the one who schedules them like that."

"Head meetings for an hour before that?"

"McGonagall insists that he be a part of the decision making process. I didn't make him Head Boy!"

"Studying with him between classes?"

"We don't study between classes," Lily frowned. Usually, they found someplace where no one passed by and sat in blessed silence for half an hour to an hour. Occasionally, she would be tired enough to fall asleep on his shoulder. But usually they were just alone, together, quiet or talking nonsense.

She realized her mistake too late. James had probably lied to cover for her lack of unending energy and kindness. And she'd just botched it.

"Why, Lily Gardenia Evans-"

"That is _not_ my middle name," Lily rolled her eyes. Sirius wrapped his arm around her shoulder and she peered at him suspiciously.

"You haven't been snogging my mate between classes, have you?" Sirius asked. Lily turned a darker shade of red.

"No," she snapped. She sincerely doubted James would still bother now that he knew what a mess she was. Lily glared at him, "You're a true nuisance, you know that, don't you?"

"You're so embarrassed," Sirius said gleefully, poking her cheek. Lily grabbed his finger and twisted. "Oi! Evans!"

"You need to learn to keep your damn mouth shut, Sirius," she hissed. His jaw dropped.

"No way."

She pushed him off her and waved to Marlene, turning toward the portrait door. She should've figured that at least one of them would try to follow her. She had just hoped it would be Remus, not the ever persistent Sirius Black.

"For the record, Lily, I was joking," Sirius said, catching up with her easily. Did all of them have to be so damn tall? She huffed and pressed on.

"For the record, Black," she shot back, "I don't care."

He caught her arm and dragged her to a stop, "Lily, you care about everything." She ground her teeth and looked up at him. But his gaze had softened, "Even if you don't want to."

"He can be tolerable," Lily admitted. She pulled out of his grip but didn't move away. She let out a short breath, "He hasn't been sleeping very well lately. Can you back off on whatever planning you're doing? He's really worried about your guys's parents."

Sirius nodded, though his face did grow suspicious, "You two are friends now?"

"Something like that," Lily shrugged and started moving away.

"Remus told me about your dad," Sirius said. Lily paused, clenching her fists around her schoolbag's strap. "Marlene didn't tell me before. I'm sorry."

"It's all right," Lily said. She hesitated a moment, wondering if she should ask him not to tell James. That would be harder though, to tell him herself. Easier to let Sirius or Marlene to.

"Lily?"

"What?" Lily sighed. This was typically the part where he made some joke. But there was only concern in his dark eyes.

"How do you know he's not sleeping well?" Sirius asked quietly. Lily bit the inside of her cheek and took a step back, hugging herself. Sirius took a step to gain back the distance. "If you were sleeping through the night, you wouldn't notice."

"I'm fine," Lily smiled. "I'd be more worried about Peter's Transfiguration grade than me."

"Lily-"

"Have a good night, Sirius," Lily said, turning on her heel.

"Have a good night," Sirius called as she started off. When Lily returned to the Head Common Room and sat down on one of the couches, she felt the grey nothing seep through her. Now James was going to be doubly annoying. Once Sirius talked to him, he would be insufferably sensitive and kind.

It was a Friday. She didn't have to do any work right then. She didn't want to read or write or anything. Sleep sounded good, but she knew that it would allude her for a few hours yet.

The portrait door opened, and she groaned. She peeked over the back of the couch at James. He was in the process of pulling his practice tee over his head.

"James!"

He jumped, flinging the shirt at her instinctively. Lily shrieked quietly, throwing the sweaty shirt away from herself. She scrambled to her feet, already scowling.

At her request, James was being very conservative about what he wore around the Common Room. She caught a glimpse of him yanking on or off his shirt as he entered or left his room from time to time. Too often those glimpses ended up occupying her thoughts. They did share a bathroom, but they were both very vigilant about locking the doors that connected to their respective rooms.

Lily really wasn't ready to face James without a shirt on.

"Holy shit! I thought you'd be in your room." He dropped his Quidditch bag by the door and pulled the portrait shut. His hair was wind ruffled, his glasses askew.

Lily was well aware that she was staring, and that he had said something, but she hadn't been prepared to think at all for the rest of the evening, and his arms were bare. And Merlin resurrected, he had abs.

"Evans?" James said, stepping closer. Lily blinked, trying to clear her head. She was in so much shit. She ducked behind the couch to grab his shirt, throwing it back to him hastily. He caught it and slung it over his shoulder. It was a good look. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Lily said, brushing her hair back behind her ear. He smiled and she smiled back. Lily knew she should call him out for staring. But she was staring just as much. She could feel the heat in her face, which only worsened when his smile became more lopsided. She was thoroughly enjoying her discovery of dorky James Potter. "Er, how was Quidditch?"

"Good," James cleared his throat. "I was gonna take a quick shower."

"Oh," Lily brushed a hand through her hair again. He didn't move. She could see every breath he took. He was still smiling at her. "What?"

"You called me 'James,'" he said simply.

"That's your name," she answered, laughing lightly.

"You always call me 'Potter,'" he shrugged. Lily rolled her eyes and sat back down on the couch.

"Clearly, not _always_," she said. James approached and a part of her sang, another wishing they had just stared at each other for a little bit longer. She looked up at him and raised her eyebrows, "What now?"

"Does this mean I can call you 'Lily?'" James grinned down at her.

"Have I ever been able to stop you from doing whatever the fuck you please?" She asked. He gaped. "I swear, get over it."

"I'm not going to let this go," he flicked his shirt at her. Lily gasped and stretched up to push him away. His chest was solid and even more distracting. He laughed and retreated, grabbing his bag before running up the steps to the bathroom. Lily watched him carefully. "Unfortunately, you're going to have to live without my beautiful face for a few minutes."

"How ever will I survive, James?" Lily called back.

"You could always join me," she would've glared if she could have seen him. He flung the shirt down at her, and once more she had to bat it away. The door closed before she could reject his offer flatly.

Lily waved her wand to summon one of the books and bit her lip to control the smile raging out of control. She cast a quick Cleansing Charm on the shirt and stuffed it in her bag, extracting James's sheet of doodles. She pulled the paper over her book.


	4. Chapter 4 - Stuck

"Evans, get up," James pounded on the door to her room. It was getting close to their first class, and he was getting close to genuine worry. She'd never been out of bed so late before. It was a Thursday; maybe she'd sleepily hoped for it to be Friday, when they didn't have class for another hour. There was no answer, not even a half-intelligible groan. James slammed his fist into the wood, "Evans, I'm warning you, if you don't open this door in five seconds, I'm going to break it down!"

He waited ten._ "Alohamora!"_

He narrowly avoided being thrown down to the Common Room by casting a Shield Charm.

"You jinxed the door?!" James knocked again. "Are you kidding me, Evans?!" He threw the door open, careful not to let it slam into the wall.

Lily sprawled over her covers, wearing a Quidditch practice jersey and the smallest pair of shorts ever to grace the world. She laid on her stomach, one tightly gripped pillow pulled over her head. Her legs were bent, her feet in the air, like she had been kicking at something.

"Evans, come on, we have to go," James said urgently, staying in the doorway. She raised one hand to flip him off and dropped it just as quickly. A soft, breathy sigh left her and James swallowed uncomfortably. "Evans, I mean it, we'll be late!"

She threw her pillow at him. It fell harmlessly at his feet. "You- no . . . Doesn't matter."

"I can't believe you're saying—well, I don't rightly know what you're saying, but I can't believe it," James sputtered. She flipped him off again. "Do I have to drag you, Evans?"

"Touch me and see what happens!" Lily said, alarmingly clear. She turned onto her back, glaring at him. "I'm not getting up, I can't get up, so just- just go away, Potter!"

"If I have to go to classes, so do you," James protested, crossing his arms over his chest.

"So take the bloody day off, I'm not in the mood!" Lily shouted, genuinely shouted at him. It had been a long while since that happened. James stooped down to throw the pillow back to her. "Get out!"

"You know, this is the sort of thing that has half the castle convinced you're a bitch," he muttered under his breath.

She threw her wand at him. James gaped at her, backing out of the room as she began to throw pillows that multiplied consistently. The door slammed shut on him so quickly, it stubbed his toe. James shouted in frustration and no small amount of pain and went to his room.

Professor McGonagall found him flying laps around the Quidditch pitch, passing a quaffle to himself. "If I'm not mistaken, Mr. Potter, you belong in Charms class right about now."

James pulled to a stop ten feet above her, "Did you memorize my schedule, Mum?"

"Professor Flitwick asked me to come and locate you," McGonagall said sharply. "If you manage to make it to class on time, you will not be given detention."

James pulled the pocket watch he'd gotten for his last birthday from his robes. He'd been at the pitch for more time than he'd thought. "I have two minutes."

"Better hurry then, Potter," McGonagall made that disapproving face that was too similar to James's real mother for comfort.

"Thanks, Mum," James muttered, tearing off through the air towards the Charms classroom.

There were no school rules about entering class from a window. Not until well after dinner that night, at least. Professor Flitwick declined to give him detention or dock Gryffindor any points because of the charm he'd put on the glass to let him pass through it. Professor Dumbledore raised a glass to him before the meal.

But it didn't matter. Because not only did Lily not show, Sirius said Marlene had been called on to go talk to her. And Marlene looked more morose than anyone else at the dinner table.

"How's our girl?" Sirius asked lowly. All four Marauders converged on their friend, Sirius sitting backwards so he could foil any attempts at escape.

"It isn't any of your business," Marlene said, picking at her food. James winced and pushed at his hair. What had he done? He'd been wracking his brain all day and hadn't come up with anything other than existing. Were they back to that? Well, he had gotten annoyed and called her a bitch, but she'd gotten weird before that. "Or any of your faults."

"How do you figure?" Remus asked.

"She just needed a day."

"Lena, that's bullshit-"

"Language, Black," Marlene snapped. "It's true."

"But why does she need a day?" Peter pushed. James glanced at him, wishing Marlene would answer the damn question.

"It's not a big deal-"

"She didn't tell you," James muttered under his breath. He met Marlene's eyes and held them. "Did she?"

Marlene clenched her jaw and didn't answer. James let out a growl and pushed to his feet. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to make her talk," James grumbled.

"What makes you think you can?!"

James shrugged and swept out of the hall, moving far quicker than his usual leisurely pace. He was so focused on his route back to the dormitory that he didn't notice his tail until the jinx had hit his back.

It was a Whipping Jinx, powerful enough that James stumbled into the wall. He pulled his wand and created a Shield Charm before the second could land. He shot back a few Stinging Jinxes silently, narrowing his eyes. The secret passageway he'd been attacked in was alarmingly dark.

_"Sectumsempra!"_ He knew that voice nearly as well as he did his own. James dodged the curse. It cut into the wall beside him, sending bits of stone flying. James animated the pieces, transfiguring them into hawks that soared into the air after his attacker.

James sprinted out of the secret passageway, back into the flow of people heading toward dinner. He slowed only marginally, and did not take a shortcut again. The portrait gave him a concerned look as he gasped out, _"Avifors opugno."_

"Go on," the door opened. James stepped inside, panting slightly, and pulled the door shut behind him. He bent over for a moment, touching the place where the Whipping Jinx had landed. There was a deep cut where his shoulder met his neck. He wiped the blood on his pants.

He stood up, looking for Lily. She was lying on the floor, on her back, almost entirely unmoving. Everything went quiet within him.

"Evans!" James dropped his bag and raced to her side, kneeling beside her. He took her face in one hand. She looked too pale. Her eyes opened slightly. They were puffy and red, likely from crying. James nearly laughed as relief surged through him. "What in Merlin's name are you doing on the floor, Evans?"

"You're bleeding," she frowned, reaching up to touch his ruined shirt. Her hand fell back to the floor and she closed her eyes with a sigh.

"Sn- Someone snuck up on me. I'm all right," James said. Lily did not react to his piss-poor cover up. James tapped her cheek to get her attention. "What's wrong, Evans?"

"Everything," she said. James had never thought Lily Evans a dramatic witch. Something was severely wrong.

"What makes you say that?" James asked.

"I don't want to go over it again," Lily opened her eyes to glare at him, disgust twisting her features. Again? She pulled away from him to stand. He mimicked her movements. She scowled deeper and began toward the stairs.

James growled in frustration. Why was she so impossible? "Evans, what is this about?"

"Don't act like they didn't tell you!" She whirled on him. He wanted to run, but he couldn't bring himself to. She started to cry again. She pushed him weakly. "It isn't funny, Potter!"

"What isn't?" He demanded, catching her wrists when she tried to shove him again.

"He's dead, you sick bastard!" Lily shouted, struggling against him. James's eyes widened as she began crying in earnest, letting her hit his chest feebly. "My dad's dead."

"Evans, no one told me," he said softly. Her bright green eyes must've ached by now. He opened his arms slightly. She stared at him, her lip trembling. "I'm sorry."

"I told him he was getting fat," she said numbly, holding his eyes with her tearful ones. "That was the last thing . . ."

"I'm sorry," he said again, not knowing what else to say. Lily moved toward him slightly, and he stepped forward to embrace her. He didn't know why she let him. She grabbed the front of his shirt and buried her head in his chest.

James would've stood there until he passed out. She stilled gradually. He realized he was swaying them back and forth after a moment. She sniffled and didn't raise her head.

"I'm tired," she said into his shirt. He could feel her breath on his chest. He hummed back, not really loosening his hold on her. She fell quiet again. She shivered against him and he brushed his lips against her dark red hair. Lily didn't shove away from him. She hardly seemed to notice. "Today was a really bad day."

"I know," he said gently. He cleared his throat. "I shouldn't have called you a bitch. I had no idea—I'm sorry, Lily. I'm so sorry, for everything."

"I'm tired of having to fight," Lily murmured. James flinched, ducking his forehead against her hair. "I'm just so tired."

"Some things are worth fighting over," James reminded her. "Please, please, don't stop fighting."

"I'll try."

"That's good," James whispered. "That's enough."

.o0O0o.

Lily Evans was sure of many things. But as she stared into the dark that night, she doubted all of it. James and Sirius were down in the Common Room, tending to the cut on his back. He'd returned covered in dust and tiny cuts he'd hardly seemed to notice.

He'd snuck down to the kitchens and brought her back food before even trying to heal himself. He'd come back with Sirius and the first food Lily had eaten all day.

Both dark haired men seemed personally offended by that.

She could hear that they were talking but had no idea what they were saying. She couldn't sleep. She'd been trying all day, in her bed, in James's, on the couch, curled up in an armchair, and, eventually, on the floor, and it had amounted to nothing. Lily grumbled to herself about her own idiocy and turned onto her back. It didn't help. Nothing was comfortable enough. Nothing felt . . . She couldn't even describe it. She couldn't get comfortable, couldn't stop thinking, couldn't stop wanting something. Whatever it was, it wasn't to be found within her.

Her feet complained about the cold floor, and she wrapped a dressing gown around herself. Maybe James would know. Remus was absolutely convinced that James had the remedy to insomnia, even if he tried to pretend it was a joke, even if he wouldn't fully explain it. Or maybe Sirius would help. Or she'd wander around the halls, or the grounds. She hadn't done anything all day, maybe she needed to exhaust her body a little more.

Lily opened the door to her room slowly, wincing at the light of the fireplace, even though it was barely more than a lump of embers. James and Sirius immediately stopped talking.

"Evans, you should be asleep," James pushed out of his armchair. He wasn't wearing a shirt. It laid over the back of the couch. Sirius's eyes skittered between them, paused mid-step. Probably pacing, by the faint trail in the carpet. A map laid on the table, and the fire's dancing made it seem like parts of it moved. Sirius twisted and folded it. James hurried up the steps toward her when she did not answer. She didn't know if she'd started trusting James more than his friends, but she didn't want Sirius to see her like this. Useless, and hopeless, and just tired.

"I can't stop thinking," Lily whispered as he came too close for the rational sort of thought. His hair stood on end strangely, and she knew why as he tugged both his hands through it. He didn't smirk at her distraction, just giving her intensely sad eyes. He swallowed, looking back at Sirius, who shoved the map into his pockets, folded so only the blank side was visible to her.

"Evans?" James murmured. Her attention jumped to him fast enough that his brow furrowed. "What do you need?"

"I- I don't know, I'm just . . . I can't stop. I don't know," she retreated a step. "I'm sorry, I don't know." Twin tears escaped before she knew she was still capable of crying. She shifted so James stood between her and Sirius. "Can you just . . . Sit with me and- and talk until I fall asleep?"

James wiped at her tears softly, nodding. He turned to look down at Sirius. "You can see yourself out."

Sirius saluted, shooting away from the couch. James touched her shoulder gently and she backed into her room. James followed, closing the door behind him. "You don't have to-"

"It's all right, Evans, I don't mind," he said calmly. Lily wondered if he was unwell. She'd invited him to her room and her bed and there were no jokes or flirting. She would've been glad for it if it didn't mean she was dragging him down with her.

"I'm sorry-"

"Lily," he touched her shoulder again. "I'm worried about you. I want to help. Let me."

"I'm not some charity case-"

"I'm your friend," James said evenly. "This is what I do for my friends—whatever they need me to."

"Remus says you're the one and only cure for insomnia," Lily sighed and retreated to her bed. James followed slowly, stalking around to the other side.

"I read him invoices from my dad's company," James cracked a smile, and Lily looked away from him, to her trembling hands. "He goes out like a boggart being laughed at."

Lily sat on the edge of her bed, pulling her hair over one shoulder. What was she doing? She slipped under the covers and sat up against the headboard. James kicked off his shoes before sitting on top of the sheets. Still shirtless.

James Potter was in bed with her.

Lily tried to make herself calm down, even as her cheeks burned. With no more than the half-full moon to light the room, she doubted James could see. James cleared his throat somewhat awkwardly, his hands folded neatly in his lap. His forearms kept her gaze for too long.

"Marlene would have a fit if she saw this," Lily mumbled, if only to acknowledge how awkward their current predicament was. James laughed under his breath.

"Imagine what Sirius is telling her right now."

"Probably something inappropriate about her ass," Lily glanced at James. He laughed again, shifting closer to the center of the bed. One perk of being the Heads: queen sized beds. Lily wondered if James would even fit in the twin sized beds of the dormitory anymore. He was so . . . long.

She'd need to phrase that differently when she told Marlene about this.

"Are they the only ones oblivious to one another's feelings?" James asked.

"No," Lily let her head drop back against the wooden headboard. She enjoyed the short prick of pain, even if James winced. "Marlene just doesn't think she can compete with you all."

Remus especially.

James stayed quiet for a moment, again moving farther from the edge of the bed. Lily reached out to still his fiddling hands. James sighed and said, "I know what you meant when you said you were thinking too much."

"What do you have to think about?" Lily said drily, shifting lower down in the bed. "You're Head Boy without trying, Captain of the Quidditch team without trying, brilliant and adored and surrounded by friends, just because of who you are." He brushed against her index finger with his thumb.

"You think I'm brilliant?"

"I think you apply it in deviant ways," Lily hedged. James raised his eyebrows, and Lily caved. "But yes. Objectively."

"You realize that you're all those things too," James said quietly. "Except for Quidditch Captain."

"Yeah, which is why I spent my evening lying on the floor," Lily muttered darkly, pulling her hand from his.

"Marlene came to see you because she was worried. I heard Mary is copying notes for you from the classes you missed. Sirius brought a tray from the Kitchens for you," James ticked each off on a finger. "I've been out of my mind most the day 'cause I had no idea what was happening. Remus and Peter are taking donations to get you a basket of miscellaneous sweets-"

"Okay, I get it," Lily held up a hand.

"I do concede your point about my being pretty great," James leaned back, folding his hands behind his head. Lily swatted him in the side. He grinned at her. "Though I didn't think it would take us seven years to get here."

"Here?"

"You know, capable of having a conversation," James said. Lily rolled her eyes. "Come on, you can't say that I knew anything about you that you actually told me before this year."

"Well, your inflated perception of me makes sense if it comes from rumors."

"It's not inflated," James said, severity leaking into his voice. Lily hummed but didn't respond otherwise. "It's just incomplete."

"I'm not usually a useless wreck," Lily muttered, shifting lower and turning on her side, facing away from him. James touched her shoulder.

James launched into something that could only be very loosely described as a story, because it had absolutely no kind of action or movement to it. His low voice pulled her farther and farther from consciousness. Something warm pressed to her temple and everything else faded away.


	5. Chapter 5 - Day After

"So?" Sirius asked under his breath during Defense Against the Dark Arts. Professor Andorra continued her lecture on Dementors and Patronus charms.

"I left as soon as she fell asleep," James shrugged. Sirius smacked his arm with their DADA textbook, hard, _"OW!"_

"You slimy git, this is _Lily fucking Evans-"_

James face flamed as he realized what Sirius had assumed about the night before, "I didn't have sex with her, you dirty-minded asshole!"

"Black, Potter, pay attention," Professor Andorra called sharply. They muttered their apologies, James rubbing his arm irately.

"Fuck, that hurt, Padfoot," James grumbled once their professor's attention had turned from them.

"So what _did_ happen, then?"

"We talked, she fell asleep, I left," James explained. "That's all she wants from me Pads: a friend."

"She _has_ friends," Sirius frowned, looking ahead of them, where Lily and a Ravenclaw boy sat at the front of the classroom. James had spent most of the class glaring at the back of his head. Lily hadn't even noticed the first day when she'd plopped down in her usual seat. The damn Ravenclaw knew that of course. They talked about the homework before and after class.

Worst of all, the bastard was a prefect. Which meant that James had to deal with his smug face after classes, too.

Lily turned in her seat, looking back at him. James quickly smiled and diverted his gaze, picking up his quill to scribble gibberish on his notes.

"James?" Sirius poked him in the side. "She has friends. Why would she-"

"Because thanks to our living quarters, she can't hide when she's not perfect," James muttered under his breath. "She doesn't have to let you guys see it. She probably doesn't want to."

"That's stupid."

"It's what Remus does," James said quietly. Sirius's mouth shut abruptly. "Don't say it isn't. He hasn't even told Lily. I know he tells you more than he does me, considering how much you tell me."

"It's still stupid," Sirius said under his breath. James didn't argue, focusing briefly on the lecture. He didn't know why they were bothering to learn the Patronus Charm. It wasn't like Dementors ever left Azkaban or the Ministry. But, it was difficult magic, which meant, of course, they had to learn it.

"Can anyone tell me what is capable of conjuring a Patronus? Yes, Mr. Lupin."

"The happiest memory you have," Remus answered. James and Sirius gave each other a suspicious look before watching their friend. His ears were red under his distressed hair. Lily smiled encouragingly at him, nodding. James absentmindedly added a few lines of detail to the doodle on his notes depicting that very same smile.

"Exactly, five points to Gryffindor," said Professor Andorra. "And the incantation? Miss Evans."

_"Expecto patronum,"_ Lily said clearly.

"Another five points. Now, very few can produce a fully corporeal Patronus, so I want everyone to think hard about the memory they'll be using. We'll begin practice next week. I want sixteen inches on why happiness should combat a Dementor's powers if they feed on it on Tuesday. That'll be all."

James shoved his notes into his schoolbag, beelining for Lily as Sirius went to Remus. They were getting to the bottom of it, quickly. Besides, James hadn't had a chance to talk to Lily that morning. Marlene and Amelia Bones had been waiting for her. James had been left to walk down to the Great Hall by himself.

Lily looked better than she had in a bit. The circles under her eyes had crept in so gradually, James had hardly noticed them. They were almost completely gone, though her eyes were still a little puffy from all her crying. James sat on the edge of the desk as she ordered and tucked away her notes. He checked his watch. They had an extra twenty minutes.

"Do you want to stop back at the dormitory before we go down to Slughorn's?" James asked as the Ravenclaw opened his mouth. He pretended the tawny haired fiend didn't exist.

"What for?" Lily asked. James leaned down to grab her bag before she could, pulling it opposite his own bag. "I'm perfectly capable of carrying my bag, Potter."

"You haven't complained before," James slid off the desk as she stood and started toward Remus and Sirius. He winked at the Ravenclaw, who scowled. "Besides, it's helpful to keep my strength up for Quidditch."

The blush that lit up her cheeks was the best thing he'd seen all week, especially given the way her eyes flitted to his arms and chest. James grinned at her. The blush deepened when she realized she'd been caught. "Shut up."

"I haven't said anything," James protested. Lily stopped at Remus's side, giving James that unique glare of hers. Sirius leaned on James's shoulder.

"I think one last sweeping declaration of affection will do the fair maiden in," Sirius said, winking at Lily. Remus chuckled as she scowled.

"Even if that were true, I wouldn't make it in front of you lot," James scoffed. Lily's brilliant green eyes found his. He knew he'd been about to say something else. The words were forever lost.

"I told Peter I'd meet him in the library before his Muggle Studies," Remus said.

"I'll come with," Sirius offered. He flicked James's ear and followed Remus out, walking backwards, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do, Evans."

"You'd _do_ every unrelated person old enough in the castle, Black," Lily said sharply. "Which, given your family tree, is what, one in four? Or five?"

Sirius laughed and turned on his heel, slinging an arm around Remus's shoulders. Remus pushed him off with an eye roll that James sensed more than saw. Lily sighed, smiling. James supposed that was her current version of laughing.

A thought struck him, but he didn't say anything until they were sitting beside one another on the floor of a hidden passageway. "How are you going to produce a Patronus?"

"I talked to Remus this morning when we heard that Professor Andorra was planning to teach Dementors. We'll figure it out," Lily answered, dropping her head onto his shoulder. James's mouth fell open but he didn't complain. She never did that until she was already asleep. "You might help us look through the library, though."

"We'll make a night of it tomorrow," James said. "You can see the Marauders at their best."

"I don't want any part-"

"Helping each other is what we do," James chuckled. "Everything else comes second to that."

"You're like the musketeers."

"I'm not even going to pretend to know what that means," James ruffled his hair, itching his scalp as he did. Lily laughed once, maybe even half a laugh. But James grinned and tried to look down at her as best he could. "Is it obvious? Should I know? Is it a disease?" Another half-laugh. "No, no, it has to be obvious. Those things that wash clothes! All Muggles have those right!" She made a strange sort of squeak and covered her mouth with her hand. "Or . . . erm, those bike things that Sirius likes, Muggles like those. Um, the tele-sight. Those?"

"Closer," Lily admitted, hitting his knee with hers. They were exceptionally close together. If it was Sirius and any other girl, he would've kissed her. But this was Lily Evans, and he was James Potter, and she was more likely to hex him than kiss him. He hadn't earned that yet, and she didn't want it from him anyway. "And it's television, James."

He saw the light in her eyes as she tilted her head back to look at him, and it set him on fire inside. Mischief, there was mischief in her eyes, and he'd never seen it before, and it was the most beautiful, the most perfect, thing he'd ever seen.

And he almost blurted that he loved her but he didn't. Instead, he bumped his knee back into hers and grinned. "You are an insufferable know it all."

"You seem inclined to suffer me," Lily jabbed him in the side. "So don't try that shit on me."

"What shit?" James asked, grabbing her hand before she could try again. Lily shook her head, picking it up off his shoulder.

"The pretending I annoy you shit," she said, twisting her fingers around his. James's stomach lurched with his heart. She was giving him a look that reminded him of himself. "I'm a veritable goddess to you."

"What has you in such an excellent mood?" James asked instead of denying it.

"I was able to sleep last night," Lily's head returned to his shoulder. James settled their hands between their thighs. She was still holding his. James pulled her hair out of her face carefully. Lily sighed softly. James kissed the top of her head. "You keep doing that."

"Do you want me to stop?" James asked carefully. Lily shook her head, messing up her hair. James smiled and leaned his head down against hers.


End file.
